i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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