very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
