I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
