I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
pop tarts are not kleenex
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
