i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Randomize
