I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
