You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
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