shes about as inviting as chlamydia
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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