Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
