hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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