I skipped work to stalk him.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
