I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
