at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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