i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
