Cold hands, warm shart.
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize