On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
