He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
