fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
Barsexuality is the new black.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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