I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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