I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
