When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
