I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
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