Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
nutella sex= disaster
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
