Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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