I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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