There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
