im about as happy as oj after his trial
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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