I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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