I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
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