my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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