I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
