my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Randomize
