I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
