I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
