she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
