and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
