I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize