If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize