dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
