meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
