if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
