it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
