How'd it feel making her break her religion?
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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