That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
