It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
