dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize