So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
