I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize