K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Just pee around me
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
