I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
