my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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