How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
