We named our party play list daddy issues
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
