I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
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