i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
