We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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