Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
